Are you really this clueless? I believe you. But I’m still hurt by it. Why am I still with you?
Tattoos
I’ve had a sparrow tattoo for over a year. They symbolize renewal and hope. For me, it also symbolizes freedom. If I could pick any special ability, it would be to fly. I love the feeling of wind around me. I love motorcycles because it’s the closest I can get to flying. The leaning and tilting of the machine is almost like controlling your own body and wings. You can feel the wind envelop you and I love the feeling of danger and exhilaration.
My tattoo also symbolizes disattachment. I moved around a lot. I lost countless friendships and ties. Birds move from nest to nest each year. I feel the same. I’m so used to being unattached to a place or a person, that I avoid commitment. So it’s probably my fault that I’m miserable.
I wish I knew what I was doing and where my life is headed. I have so many brilliant friends that have such a sure future ahead of them. I consider them my closest friends and yet, I hold back so many secrets from them because I know I’ll never be able to match their shine and it’s embarrassing. I wish I knew what I wanted for my career last year, I’m just starting to explore now and I guess it’s better late than never. And I’m excited for the future, so that’s definitely an improvement and a good sign.
I just wish I could find someone that has a heartbeat to tell all these things to. I need to discuss things with a human being and I don’t know who to ask. Those that I can lean on, I’m trying to avoid because I don’t want them to get hopeful. I’m one of those girls that have way more male friends than female and I’m afraid of leading them on.
It’s midterms week and my essay has been the same length for the past 5 hours but I can’t focus for many reasons:
1) I feel like I’m in the wrong major. And it’s too late to change but it makes me so unmotivated to write an essay about Asian American and ethnic inequalities when I know my career will have nothing to do with it. I have to admit, it is interesting.
2) I am extremely unproductive when I’m emotionally turbulent
3) It’s almost Valentines Day. It’s depressing that I have yet to celebrate a Valentines with a significant other. It’s always either been because of distance, or some weird circumstance. This year is the first time that I’ve been single during V-Day.
BACK TO MY ESSAY.
Sometimes all you need is to realize is that life IS short. So have fun but don’t let yourself do anything that costs your integrity or values. Put love and pride into everything you do and don’t over think! Definitely goals I should work towards. I care too much about what others think of me and I need to discover what I need of myself first.
On a side note, I only have 1.5 more years of college and I have no idea what I’m doing! I really need to start looking up summer internships. Oh, if only I had a car :(
Starting new! Told him we’re over and I promised myself to stay single for at least this quarter and focus on school work and my career.
I feel annoying for constantly apologizing, especially to myself, but I need to stop the self-pitying. And I need to stop being so reliant and sad, there’s too much I’m missing out on.
HELLO LIFE! I’m back!
I made this secret tumblr so I can write anything and everything without having to censor my words but at the same time, hope that someone realizes that it’s me. Because I know I need help but I’m too scared to ask for it. And I’m Asian. In our culture, this is a sign of weakness and failure and I KNOW that I’m neither.
Does anyone else feel this way or am I being an cowardly attention whore?
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
Time is gonna take my mind
And carry it far away where I can fly
The depth of life will dim
My temptation to live for you
If I were to be alone
Silence would rock my tears
‘Cause it’s all about love and I know better
How life is a waving feather
So I put my arms around you, around you
And I know that I’ll be leaving soon
My eyes are on you, they’re on you
And you see that I can’t stop shaking
No, I won’t step back
But I’ll look down to hide from your eyes
‘Cause what I feel is so sweet
And I’m scared that even my own breath
Could burst as if it were a bubble
And I’d better dream if I have to struggle
So I put my arms around you, around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you, they’re on you
And I hope that you won’t hurt me
I’m dancing in the room
As if I was in the woods with you
No need for anything but music
Music’s the reason why I know time still exists
Time still exists, time still exists, time still exists
So I just put my arms around you, around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you, they’re on you
And I hope that you won’t hurt me
My arms around you, they’re around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you, they’re on you
They’re on you, my eyes
(Source: lace-n-lanes)
You remember things I’ve forgotten about myself. You build me up. You BELIEVE in me. You love me more than I love myself. I’m so grateful for every second you spend with me, every word you say to me. When I thanked you for staying up until 5am to talk to me and you quietly said, “I wouldn’t for just anyone,” my heart fluttered and grew hopeful but I’m too much of a coward to pursue anything.
Please love me. I hope I’m good enough. I plan on dedicating every second of myself to your happiness.
(via beingbritters)
I’m sorry for not remembering and noticing. Please believe me that I care.
I can’t remember the last time I SAID “I love you” to someone and meant it.
I can’t remember the last time I HEARD “I love you” and cared.
I can’t remember the last time I got butterflies.
I can’t remember the last time I felt blissfully happy.
I can’t remember the last time I really cared.
Except for you.
And I can’t forget how you look, smell, feel, taste and sound.
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
“Life for Rent” - Dido
(Source: eightsixsevenfivethreeohnine)
I feel so stupid and selfish for complaining. I have so much more than most others and yet, I still feel the need to whine about everything that goes wrong in my life. I’ve never really known hunger or cold. I’ve never abandoned or physically hurt purposely. I feel like one of those dumb girls in tv drama series that makes everyone face palm and ask “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?”
